Aquarius-January 20 to February 19:
There are many ways to end a bad luck streak like the one you're experiencing. My favorite goes as follows: spend three days in bed with a stack of wrestling magazines, listening to Captain and Tenille albums. Guaranteed to lift you out of your funk.

Pisces-February 20 to March 20:
Details are sketchy but soon, someone named Manny comes into your life and nothing is ever again the same for you.

Aries-March 21 to April 20:
I see travel in your immediate future but it would be a mistake to use the Magic Fingers feature on the bed in your motel room. It could lead to dismemberment or even death.

Taurus-April 21 to May 19:
You've a series of moles and freckles on your back that form a Happy Face. Your Significant Other has noticed and is telling all your friends.

Gemini-May 20 to June 20:
It's vital, as you struggle through what will be a difficult year, that you retain a sense of wonder, of mystery. I can recommend a couple of ways to achieve this: Order a deluxe set of Sea Monkeys (tm) or surround yourself with Chia pets.

Cancer-June 21 to July 21:
Begin new projects as a way of expanding your horizons. I once saw a scale model of the White House, constructed entirely of toothpicks and popsicle sticks. Why not take on something like that?

Leo-July 22 to August 21:
In the coming weeks, you will be approached by a total stranger who will relate to you an odd experience he had on a dinner date the night before. He will call you "Fred." Do not be alarmed; he is benevolent and may well buy you lunch.

Virgo-August 22 to September 22:
1997 will be, for all Virgos, a year of severe hair loss. It won't be as noticeable in the early months of the year but come September, October at the latest, the whole lot of you will look like cueballs.

Libra-September 23 to October 22:
The months of January, February and March are painful ones for many Libras. The joys of the holidays are now past and dreary winter has set in. You must fight to retain a positive attitude. One little pick-me-up I often turn to is a big bowl of Lucky Charms topped with chocolate milk. Try it!

Scorpio-October 23 to November 21:
That clerk at the convenience store, the short one, is fully aware that you only take from the ˝take a penny, leave a pennyţ spare change cup, that you've never left a cent. Don't think you're getting away with anything.

Sagittarius-November 22 to December 21:
When I was in 7th grade, one of my best friends stopped talking to me for, like, a week, for no reason at all. It really hurt my feelings. So don't think you're the only one who's seen troubled times.

Capricorn-December 22 to January 19:
You know all those gifts you so carefully picked out during the holidays? Every single one of them got returned for a refund, every last one. Think about that for awhile.

Email Criswell at: criswell@brettnews.com.

Read next article.
Return to the Table of Contents.
Return to BRETTnews.